The Mistress [Affairs of the heart and mind]

Welcome to DOOM's most controversial column—and she’s not the end of your marriage but the key to keeping it together.

“I know what you’re thinking. You want to hate me, but you also want to understand me. You want to blame me and malign me for ruining your precarious marriage. The one held together for practical and financial reasons and to keep up appearances. After all, it’s better than being alone, right?

Let me cut through the bullshit straight away. I'm not here to justify my choices or beg for your understanding. I'm here because someone finally had the balls to give me a platform to speak honestly about a role that's existed since the dawn of civilisation yet remains shrouded in whispered judgments and Hollywood fantasies.

Like many single professional women, I am currently the other woman. It’s been years, characterised by chance meetings and plenty of conversation on DM’s on various platforms. He’s in love with me and I am not in any delusion that he will leave his wife for me. He may be forced to leave his wife if we are discovered, and even then, there’s really no guarantees we’ll end up together. The lucky woman will be the next person he meets as he scrambles to put this all behind him as soon as possible.

The thing is there is extremely little to be gained by being in this situation for me. But love is complicated and so is trying to untangle yourself from a marriage that is not making somebody happy anymore.

The unexpected consequence is that I have gleaned a lot of wisdom about why marriages do or don’t work, and it is rarely because someone has been unfaithful. But it’s always much easier to post that on Facebook.

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The Mythology vs The Reality

The mythology paints us as predatory home-wreckers, draped in red lipstick and moral vacancy. The reality? Most of us are just women who got tangled up in someone else’s emotional unmet needs and found ourselves stuck there. 

I didn’t set out to become a mistress. Nobody does. I didn’t set out to fall for a man married to another woman. COVID lockdowns and venturing online probably played a huge part. But there’s no need for excuses. We know we have a mutual attraction and compatibility that is rare. We just can’t do much about it because of his decision to stay put. 

It started, as these things do, with a connection. A married colleague who actually listened when I spoke. Who remembered things I’d mentioned weeks earlier. Who looked at me like I was fascinating rather than just another person taking up space in the world. Who checked in to see how my day was going. 

When we met in person, we had already developed a deep emotional connection. It was hurried but it was enough to hook me. 

The Psychology of Choice

Here’s what the wives (and the therapists, and the opinion columnists, and your mother) don't understand: we don't choose married men because we’re morally deficient. We don’t set out to bust up marriages. There’s a myth that we do it because they’re unavailable. I don’t buy that either, and enjoy how available my lover is to me, around his family commitments and when he can get to his phone. 

Have I chosen to fall for a man I can’t go out for coffee with, or away on holidays together? Nope. 

Is it fucked up? Probably. Am I honest about what it is? Absolutely.

The Emotional Arithmetic

The mathematics of being a mistress are brutal and simple. You get approximately 30% of someone’s emotional attention, 15% of their time, and 0% of their public acknowledgment. In return, you provide 100% availability for their guilt-free escapism. And have 0% of your friendship group to discuss this with for fear of being judged or analysed. 

The sex, by the way, isn’t always earth-shattering. Sorry to disappoint anyone living vicariously through these columns. Sometimes it’s hurried and laden with someone else's anxiety about getting home. Sometimes it’s the best you've ever had because desperation breeds intensity. Usually, it’s somewhere in between, punctuated by text messages from wives about picking up the children.

Why Do Women Steal Husbands?

Notice the twist there, that this should be more about why men stray away from the connection with their wives. Women don’t steal husbands essentially because nobody is a possession. And men look elsewhere when basic desires are not met. Humans are basic creatures and have primitive urges that need to be satisfied, like food, shelter and yes, sex. Women who have decided they no longer want an intimate life need to understand the impact that will have on a man. Women who continue to berate their husbands for being stupid, useless and unhelpful will be drawn towards somebody who sees them differently. If your husband is with me, it’s because something in your marriage was already broken, and I’m just the symptom, not the disease.

The Questions You’re Really Asking

Are you happy? Sometimes. Are you?

Do you feel guilty? Less than you'd expect. More than I admit.

Why don’t you just find your own man? Because often the best men are actually still within the confines of a marriage, and the single ones are for a reason. Simple as that. 

What's wrong with you? Probably the same things that are wrong with you, just expressed differently.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Here’s what really bothers people about mistresses—we represent the uncomfortable reality that marriages aren’t sacred, that people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, and that sometimes the wife isn’t actually the victim—she's just the woman who happened to get there first.

We hold up a mirror to the mythology of monogamy and ask, “But what if this isn't actually working for everyone involved?”

That makes people furious. Not because we’re destroying marriages, but because we’re revealing that many marriages were already destroyed—just quietly, politely, behind closed doors where no one had to acknowledge it.

The Exit Strategy

I won’t be a mistress forever. And I don’t believe I will be with my married lover after he leaves his wife. He’s there for the long haul, I won’t be, and I will probably be replaced. In the meantime, I enjoy the time we have together, tell nobody except for here and offer relationship advice to anybody who wants to listen. 

My advice to you is listen to what I know and what I say so that your marriage continues to work and your husband never needs or wants to meet somebody like me.  

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