Stop Turning to Stone
Why ‘Red Rocking’ Beats ‘Grey Rocking’ Every Time
By Dr Moodoom, Psychiatrist & Columnist
The latest term to hit the internet avoiding scientific rigour or psychiatric usefulness is that of “grey rocking” — a survival strategy where you become as uninteresting as possible to a narcissist. That is, a loosely diagnosed narcissist who wouldn’t ordinarily find themselves formally diagnosed because they simply don’t find the need to present for professional help.
The main mantra espoused by millennial influencers everywhere is to adopt the stance of:
“Don’t react, don’t feel, don’t engage. Be neutral. Be dull. Be as boring as a grey rock”.
On the surface it looks like the perfect coping strategy for our times: minimal effort, maximum illusion of control. But let’s be honest — the “grey rock” isn’t enlightenment. It’s emotional hibernation dressed as empowerment. And psychiatrically speaking, it’s a terrible long-term strategy.
I understand the appeal. It promises safety without confrontation. In a world apparently overrun by “narcissists” (half of whom we met on dating apps, the other half at work), grey rocking offers an enticing exit from chaos. The problem is however that it also strips you of your vitality — your capacity to express, to assert, to connect.
And ultimately gives the “narcissist” more control of you as they make you change your behaviour, just in an entirely different way from reactivity and emotion.
As a psychiatrist, I watch people self-diagnose entire social circles with personality disorders, then congratulate themselves for being able to rise above it without diagnosing themselves. Everyone’s busy avoiding each other in the name of mental health. We’ve become a civilisation existing in all forms of isolation, on every conceivable level.
My extensive experience and insights derived from actually talking to patients and diagnosing them if relevant has led me to create to my offer of trite labelling. It’s a “if you can’t beat them join them strategy that may not entice the algorithm, but definitely offers a better way to exist.
I offer an alternative: Red Rocking.
Where grey rocking says, “I’ll survive by disappearing,”
Red Rocking says, “I’ll survive by staying myself.”
It’s not about shouting or matching toxicity — it’s about clean assertiveness. Controlled heat. It’s saying, “I see your manipulation, and here’s my boundary, stated calmly, enforced consistently.”
It allows you to rage if you need to, whether or not you perceive this gives the narcissist oxygen. Who cares because you need a place to put your heated emotions too.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Notice the trigger. Know exactly what behaviour violates your peace.
Name it internally. “This is disrespect.” “This is blame-shifting.” Naming grounds you.
Speak briefly, clearly, and once. “Don’t talk to me like that.” “This topic is off-limits.”
Reclaim colour. After the encounter, do something vivid — music, laughter, light. Reaffirm that you are not grey.
This may sound like more pop psychology but it isn’t. It’s a sophisticated approach that doesn’t describe emotions as pantone colours or inert dead objects.
Red Rocking is what happens when emotions get expressed exactly as they should. Because dealing with a true narcissist, one that is actually formally diagnosed and exhibits characteristics that are harmful, calculated and repeated, requires way more than a one size fits all approach.
Because you can’t coexist on a planet full of loosely diagnosed narcissists by numbing yourself. You coexist by defining yourself, being angry, hurt and damaged by wounds, getting back to safety and recovering.
So next time someone tells you to “just grey rock your ex,” smile politely, stay calm, and think; actually I’ll do what serves me right now given the injury I’ve just sustained.
